As i lay in an MRI machine

'Wrap all your belongings, all of them, in a handkerchief, which you can surrender here at the desk. & you'll have to change your clothes'

Wallet from right back pocket, i-card from left back pocket, cellphone from left front, watch from left wrist, gold chain (the only piece of jewellery I've ever had) from neck (which i managed to break while untying) rolled into a handkerchief from right front pocket (i skipped mentioning 2 items here intentionally). I was composed, knotted the package carefully. Handed the prescription to the guy, & he pointed the way to the changing room, after handing over a set of blue clothes. A ward boy accompanied me to the room, & instructed me something. I told him i don't know Marathi & he smirked. In Hindi then, he asked me to undo all my clothes, even the chaddi, & change into the blue 'sick' color code. I preferred to keep my chaddi on & he didn't insist either. He assured me my clothes will be fine & showed me the drawer where i can find them later.

The baggy 'nada' trousers & typical hospital kurta with 2 buttons. The first thing i see stepping out of the changing room in the new attire was a beautiful girl & i could sense she pitied me for my 'supposed' miserable condition, & i pitied myself for the air around me. So i waited; & waited; & waited; until guided to the room where the thing had to be done.

Impression#1: Cold

Impression#2: Shit

Impression#3: I wish i had brought a friend along

Brief crisp instructions before i was let in

Instruction#1: There'd be noises when it starts. & just noises.

Instruction#2: I'll be given a small item which i can press if i have any trouble. I should lie down very still otherwise. DO NOT move.

Instruction#3: It will last 30 minutes.

I had questions, many of them, & i was having second thoughts about going in there. Also, the doc was a boring guy, a sweet/hot lady/girl would have eased things i guess. A sword-fight type helmet was fixed on my head & stuffings done around my neck so it doesn't move, & i was moved in. The total time elapsed between entering the room & entering the machine was around 2 minutes, & it was hard to digest the circumstances, specially when you have a feeling that you are about to be f*cked. A blood-pressure instrument pump was forced into my left palm, & i was really hoping it works if & when i need to get the bloody out of here.

Sounds, weird sounds, very weird sounds: quick beeps, buzzers, long screaming ones, varying frequencies & speeds, sudden silences, then sudden starts. & how i felt !

Feeling#1: Would the reading get disturbed (or the test get screwed) if i itch my left leg ? Let's resist. I can do it.

Feeling#2: Half an hour is so f*cking long man. Without coffee, or anything ! Lord.

Feeling#3: Should i try pressing this e-vac pump, to ensure it works ?

Feeling#4: What would these weird sounds track ? how is my brain responding to this sh*t ?

Feeling#5: While I'm thinking of all these things, would it not freak out this machine, which would it turn freak out my result ?

Feeling#6: I need to itch, or bloody ask someone to itch it for me. I can press that pump & ask them to itch me.

Feeling#7: Why is this bed shaking sometimes in coordination with the sound ? How would it help apart from terrifying the patient ?

Feeling#8: They should have atleast put a watch in front of the fixed face. Or a nice painting maybe, which a person can pass time with.

Feeling#9: Dude i think just 5 minutes passed by now, i can never make it to 30. I WILL have to use the e-vac pump.

Feeling#10: Itch on forehead.

Feeling#11: Let me try humming a song in mind (Didn't work). They say music is in the air, let me frame a song or some sensible music out of these crazy sounds (Didn't work either)

Feeling#12: 10 minutes, maybe ?

Feeling#13: How do kids bear this thing man ? They'd have to be drugged, but then, wouldn't the brain's responsiveness to these sounds be effected ?

Feeling#14: If i fell asleep accidentally, would the tests get effected ? I should have asked the doc.

Feeling#15: I'm in a f*cking limbo. I think I've made 12 minutes.

Feeling#16: I'm enjoying my life actually. These crazy sounds would end sometime & I'd be back at work. I hope Naresh (my colleague) isn't in too much trouble owing to my absence.

Feeling#17: As soon as i bloody get out of here, I'm going to *****.

Feeling#18: (I Slept)

Feeling#19: (I'm taken out of the machine. I ask, 'Did i really spend 30 minutes in there ?' & the smile answered in a nod) Nice ! Should i press the e-vac pump now to make sure it would have worked ? (I didn't)

Feeling#20: I hope none of the people i love have to face this pathetic traumatic machine ever

When i stepped out, changed to my actual clothing, the beautiful girl, sadly, was gone. So i had nothing left to do but the payment, place back all my collectibles in their right places & flee to a normal routine.

PS: Results were normal.

Hw 2 b KeWl @t ur eNgL!$h

This is a competitive world. When the folks say you have to fight it out right from when you are off the womb, they aren't wrong. Charles Darwin explained it in his theory of evolution, Shakespeare exercised it his writing flamboyance. Now, if you are an nonathletic fluffy kinda person, you are likely to take refuge in internet. Orkut/Facebook/Twitter weren't there since Leaning tower of Pisa started leaning, they weren't even there when i (or we, in general sense) were exposed to internet. There was Google for searching, & there was yahoo for chatting.

So, me, a nonathletic fluffy kid, entered cyber cafes in late 2003 (yeah, you might claim it was too late & lame, but please let's not ponder over it). Soon followed Yahoo Chat Rooms ! The first time i was inquired my ASL, i was gaping air. I tried to wave it off, but when the question became a regularity, i checked with one of my more-savvy friends for the answer. Moving on, you had to be cool. Cool isn't enough, you had to be Kewl. The school-taught-English just doesn't get your aspirations. You need to get into that chat lingo, which i did to some extent. By the end of this time, I've learnt enough to permanently replace "The" with "D", "your" with "ur", "you" with "u", "that" with "dat" in my mental dictionary. I was learning to be cool.

Later, Most of my cool writing skills came from Anurag Lal Sinha, who taught us how cool it sounds to omit maximum possible vowels from your words. We were sure this is what needs to be done to be kewl. When i look at my initial blog posts, i see it in vast extent way back in 2007, here for instance.

I was enlightened one day that this $h!t needs to be shed. & it was done by & large.

Now, i find kids (yes, I'd prefer to call them kids) doing the inevitable. Quoting some instances

• Status Msg: Belief iN DoinG D Thing$ WHaT BoDY Refu$e$ To Do ..But It$ aCtuAlly D mIND Who RefU$e$ To Do ...$o pLay With Yr MiND With D heLP oF YR HEArt & BoDy.....
• Album Name: OnCe Up()N A tImE iN g()AAAA
• Comment: somthing z overshadowed by daylight murder of 20 year old student n dat too in national capital, so m not in fancy... rather i blv in ground reality.

 

Ofcourse the Text Messaging mannerism has contributed. & it's not just about saving typing space & efforts. I don't find this atrocious, but definitely adolescent. Like Raghu keeps repeating in Roadies' auditions - Wannabes, at-least at the inception of this behavior. Also, i observe here that it's an addiction, as people into it are not likely to return back to normalcy easily. I haven't found any application that specifically dudi-fies a simple sentence into a handy array of small & capital letters, but i assume there should be some, like this. In my research work prior to this post, i also could not manage to find any connotation of diseases associated with this behavior (so i assume the onus is on us). Regardless of everything said & done, I personally find replacement of a/o/s/i with @/()/$/! very very innovative.

It's apt to associate Hip-Hop/Rap genre of music with this wannabe attitude. As an evidence, please allow me to quote this excerpt from How to Be Cool at Hip Hop page

Forget the basics of the english language: As with rapping, try to retrain your tongue to move left to right rather than the more natural feeling (and sounding) up and down as you form words. If you only use one side of your mouth for talking it will create the impression that you have been capped in the face, and street violence is the coolest aspect of hip hop. Also, occasionally omitting vowels from words and forgetting to include words like "and" and "the" will make you look less like you grew up in well-to-do areas, and make strangers assume you were raised by wild dogs in the backyard of your Russian parent's slum house. Hopefully some day you will learn to speak your native tongue again and be able to forgive your family for the years of rehabilitation and psychotherapy that are sure to be required for assisting your return to human society.

It's just a phase in most likelihood, that would (and should) pass over. But it's remarkable how modifiable we are. The power of peer pressure at it's driving best. I thank, abstractly, that Hindi has been spared. At the same time, i do appreciate the truth how boring life would be if people just walked in straight lines.

PS: I ain't taking pot-shots at anyone. Please accept my apologies for any blood shed.

Nuptial knots

Pre-birth

I asked, being a kid, the obvious, whenever we saw our parent's Video cassette on the then VCPs, "where was i when you people were getting married ?" I was graciously told i was sleeping. & i thought 'awhh sheeit, how could i do that!'. Cassettes now turned to CDs, VCPs replaced by CD Players, & we, Indian middle class families, still sometimes enjoy the video portrayal of the auspicious ceremonies.

Then

• The marriage i profoundly remember over the years was my paternal uncle's. Probably 1995/96. I bought glamorous shoes, heavier than myself then, with tiny plastic pistols attached to each of the pair (which reminds me of Rajnikant somehow). Pistols however were obviously detached & lost by the end of the celebration (& yes i mourned over them).
• At another family marriage, i decided, can't remember under who's influence, to wear a cap throughout the night (Mind you, there were no Reshammiya's then). My mom trying to convince me what a joker I'd look wearing a cap at night & me sticking to my newly discovered fashion statement.
• It was my cousin's marriage, & that girl flashed past me, & i was lost, miserable lost. 'Manvi', as she was called, probably 10 years elder to my eighteen-some soul. There was this song by Kamaal Khan 'Kya yahi pyaar hai' out fresh then. All i remember was that i woke up next morning, teary eyed, that song playing over & over in my head, & a distant unknown face flashed unabated between my eyelids & iris. Never intended to pursue whatever i thought i had for her. Can't remember anything about her at all now, except the name & the song :)

Now

In quick succession over the past months, 3 close friends got paired up with their beloveds. Above all, long-awaited get togethers in lives torn credited to democratic drudgery of a 9x5 typecast servicemen.

Antecedent Excitement

Unheeded. Glittering. Joyous. Groves. Horsey. Friends. Alcohol. I-just-can't-wait-for-it kinda sickness all in that head.

Dress code
First Marriage: A friend ditched on call to stay with a blazer, so i ditched both of them - the blazer & the suit, as i had none handy. Held to the old most-fashionable jacket i possessed. It was nauseating still to see most men in shining suits, but company of few self-claimed-non-suit-ed-dudes gave some hope.

Second Marriage: No bourgeois company. A glamorous affair. All in suit, expect my high-headed soul. & how miserable i felt ! & My mom bitched me for this one beyond what i can admit in public. To un-curtain a glimpse: "Tere saare friends ne ye waali jacket dekhi hogi pehle. Photo bhi hogi sabke paas. Saare friend ne suit pehna hoga na ? Kya karta hai tu paise kamake jab ek suit bhi nahin kharid sakta ! Kahan paise udata hai ?"

Interlude: So pissed i was, i gifted myself a suit. Entered Van Heusen, & paid 7.5K for what hit me as befitting as my first suit, ever.

Third Marriage: Oh yeah baby, I'm SUIT-ed !!

Somewhere in the middle

Everything so normal that it ain't expected of a marriage, or was not expected by me. How is everything so, so, even ??

Ensuant Silence

Waiting for the boarding announcement, sulking over KFC's popcorn chicken, wondering, what has changed. Chicken in the mouth answered - "Nothing". The one still between my index finder & the thumb, sort of crumbling, said "Make sure you fucking find an occasion to wear that suit again mate". Once i gulped them both, i decided, "it was fun - yeah, that's what it was", & left the same lonely feeling that smelt when i left a group of friends to head towards home, or room, or another city, or another chance.

Back to non-ceremonious chore

Firstly, the marriage pics by all the camera-holders on Picasa/Facebook, ensued by plethora of comments/likes. Shortly follows the honeymoon pics by either of the pair. likes likes comments comments. display pic change. marital status change (not always applicable). Period.

Afterthought

I remember my dad's married friends visiting us sometimes. Gents-gents in one room. Ladies-ladies in another (mostly). Kids-kids, if applicable, either silently playing a game on host's call, or silently watching television, or silently watching another's silence (applicable to me). I don't know, & can't construct, how different it was from what existed before between friends. But i hope everything stays normal with us. Never learnt how to behave with a 'bhabhi', but i assume I'll gather it from someone else (like the suit). I hope the bhabhis are friendly enough to entertain sick-humored, high-voiced, expletives-friendly, chaddi-drink-smoke-buddies. I just would have to learn how to start !

The Gift !

He never fashioned pocket money. His parents held the point that he could have whatever he wanted, whenever he asked for it. It was a genuine trade-off, he thought, but deprived him of something alluring for a kid his age.

Back in those summers, they were both at their Uncles', the only house that belonged to the family as one, he, & his cousin, 2 years elder & thrice as chirpy as his dummy self. Their uncle, well paid off as he was, was fat & rusty, like one of those typical Indian middle-class moustached family heads. He was well known to have maintained a hefty bundle of big papers of money in his trouser's pocket, even back then.

They thought it wouldn't be too bad if they took just of those big notes. Just one. None would happen to notice. No fuss. & they'd lavishly enjoy their lull vacations. Video games struck them most. Contra (2 Players). Street fighter. & then there was always that Nepal visit looming they were all gonna go. Yeah, they decided. It's not a bad idea to salvage our grandeur with something entirely unnoticeable.

He, & his accomplice, chalked it out. The elder would keep a watch, raise a flag when the time is ripe, & he had the big responsibility to get up on the bed, reach the pocket, dig out whatever laid within, pull out one (just one), & replace the rest back in just as it was, & then vanish somewhere to calm down their jolting hearts. It went precisely as planned.


Problems followed, as with all crimes. They landed up on a Rs. 500/- note. Damn! What would they do with such a big thing. They were as if stuck with the impossible task of using a Gold brick which was hard to ingest for tiny folks like themselves. They couldn't use it on a shop that knew them even remotely, couldn't buy candies (how many 25 paise candies would you buy with a fucking 500 !). A headache. By the way, the elder reported hearing minor discussions on the missing note. But no fuss followed. The elder reprimanded him for picking up this cursed big note. He was too dumb to make a balanced choice of stealing & not stealing big at the same time. He was always dumb. Still is, at many fronts.

Finally, as professional thieves, the loot was halved somehow. 250 ! which was still too high an amount for a ten-some child. He has been keenly impressed by those Gillette shaving stuff adverts that came afresh those days. He declared right away he'd gonna spend the money on a Gillette shaving kit, which would a present for his dad's b'day next month. The elder went tongs & hammer on him, trying to explain to him how miserable he would be to account for the funds when it'll be asked; & beyond doubt, there will be the moment of accounting, that's for sure in families like ours. He went furious, & declared he's gonna do it, no matter what. Later though, he realized big bro ain't wrong after all & he'd be digging his own grave if he pursued.

The cursed big money lingered on, difficult to hide, too dear to loose. By the way, he even thought to replace it back. But yes it would be suicidal to place back something that's missing. He also wished he hadn't done it after all, cause it gave no pleasure. Money can't buy everything - as they say.

Finally they visited Nepal, the tiny town of Mahendranagar, on the foots of blissful River Sharda. It was pretty much a town of toys & aplenty goodies. Shops, shops & shops. What a splendid place to spend !! To get rid of the steal. Wow !! Sneaking past the careful watch of all others, they both went to a pretty looking shop. What to pick ! Quick ! He noticed a very tiny deck of cards, with nude girls on them. Well, he was lured but intelligent enough to keep away from stuff like that. Somehow, he laid his eyes on a shiny Golden-Black Musical Lighter. He didn't smoke then. Neither did he plan smoking on his calender for near or infinite future. Still, he liked the look & feel of it. Color, Music, the unabated electric flame was all too mesmerizing. What he was gonna do with it - he didn't care. He had to get rid of that damned money, & lighter looked good too. Elder gave a cautious glare, which he ignored in entirety with a "fuck you !" tone. Job well done !

Not sure how much did he spend on that lighter he gifted himself. Not sure what he did with the rest of the money, if at all any was spared. For years, that lighter lay hidden in that little drawer of his collectibles.

One fine noon as he returned from school, his mother asked him about the lighter. He was scared to death. Mother's in this part of the world are omniscient. Yes they are !!

Where did you get it from ?
I bought it from Nepal then/there [ sob sob (eyes+nose) ]...
What for ? [eyes almost popping out from fury ]
I wanted to buy it...
& do what with it ?
Gift it to grandpa [ That's the best lie he ever told !! Grandpa smoked - for good ]

No further questions. About money or anything. Child bought something, a souvenir to gift his grandfather. Oh my sweet child. Best kid in the whole goddamn world.
For once, he was happy he was smart enough to save his own ars.

Irony:

Now that we are going to visit Grandpa, do give him your gift. You should have given it much earlier.
Yes ma...

He watched him light his cigarette with that magnificent flame, & adorable music lingered in the air for a while. For a few years to follow, he watched it lie in a drawer, old, shattered, battered, finished.

He shouldn't have it, he ponders. Childhood is meant to be that way, he reassured himself.


PS: This dates back to somewhere around 1993-95. Summers. The child, is me.

Recent Past

There were days when i was gloomy in my head, drooling in overworked psyche, & too tired to focus on vehicles passing by, as i drove late at night. And time flew by in superlatives.

Trotted past one single novel in 6-7 months; friend bought a hefty tagged D-SLR, another friend blinked on the shores of a possible love marriage; Cell phone bills; credit card payments; some minutes of television before much needed sleep; Some cricket India played, not sure against whom; some nice EPL goals; Rahul Mahajan in a swayamvar, & bits i called glue together in passage of time. Leave the above mentioned apart, & I've been 100% detached with life off work.

Workaholic - may be. Tired - for sure.
Background Image of blog template got ripped off net. & i came to know only after a friend advised me to delete the penis-enlargement ad posted in my blog comments. & then came an emphatic gasp "Wow ! I've been really busy."

Work is mystifying. & Praise inspiring. Challenges, some of them, call for anything & everything that is worth trading for some piece of good work. But what's prized the most is the companionship. In times of crazy workload, in those minutes of frustrated hustle, in anxiety of those itsy-bitsy achievements or murderous mistakes. Beyond ranks, beyond knowledge gaps, beyond years of experience, stands to exist a patronage of leaders of men; fearlessly, seamlessly, nonchalantly performing the task they are best at.

Treacherous busy roads calls for a lull, as in a long sleep after an insomniac week. Splendid home-cooked meals, some "champi" in that head by the lady you were born of, television, company of people you love, & sleep, lots & lots of it. & then you are back, rejuvenated with rest, with thoughts, with plans, with dreams, with spirits, & with immense desire to be back at work - doing, what you supposedly do best !!

Pieces...

When i come across a wasted guitar, i feel pinched. Outraged.
When i come across a bunch of guys jostling with a football, i feel hurt, somewhere, deep within.

You know, there's a damned band called Tatva in our company. They declare open their auditions with a certain set of shitty songs. They practice well though. But by just a glance at the list of songs they demand the competitors to perform, my brain gets sucked out. Bunch of shitheads are gonna judge someone on how well he sings "Sweet Child o' mine". Hah !! & bullshit bollywood beats like 'Beete lamhe', & likes. So i never appeared before those OVER-talented folks, though i miss the brotherhood of a band.

Just came across a song. Was tryin' to picture it's meaning. It contains pain, melody, truth, love. The very essence of each & every thread that would compose a perfect song. Now maybe you won't appreciate it that much. People have choices you see. But then, none would pick the moon to fall in the ugly category. Some things are facts. & facts, are undeniable.

I don't feel good right now. I miss music. I miss my band. I miss my guitar, although it's placed barely 6 feet off my bed. I miss some people suddenly. I miss old days. & i'm sad that i'm just another football fan. I wish i could play. Hit it hard. Play it beautifully. Both on the field, & on stage. Dreams, probably foolish ones. But we all make picks. I'm seasoned enough, i believe, to tread back.

Don't get me by my words. I'm happy. Just trying to make up for a few missing pieces. Pieces you see... I shall offer 2 advices here.

1) Get it while the going is good !!
2) do listen to this song.
(I'm thankful to a friend who introduced my eardrums to this amazing band named Porcupine Tree way back)



I'd assume you are bright enough to google for the lyrics if you intend to seek them.
I shall leave you with a sniplet.

When I hear the engine pass, I'm kissing you wide...
The hissing subsides, I'm in luck...

Always the summers are slipping away...
Find me a way for making it stay...

Helmet, and life...

I've been feeling a little accidentalish lately. To frame it in a better way (so that some stupid craphead doesn't come up with Half-Empty:Half-Full shit), I've been cherishing the gift of life more fondly lately. Hence, i gifted myself a Helmet. & boy 'o' boy, what a hellish ride it has been today.

I never wore a helmet even when it was made mandatory by the Traffic Police in my hometown. I fooled them one way or the other. But when i finally came down to terms of my love for my own life, i bought a beautiful black metallic cover, priced at Rs. 945/-, & i must tell you, this is the first day of my 24 years of ripe life that i wore a helmet for the entire duration i rode. & i swear to life, this was the toughest day of my life at wheels.

Hell man !! This was sicker than my first day. I fondly remember than railway ground, where i rode my Dad's Royal EnField, with my old man on the pillion seat. He gave me several major/minor instructions, & i was certified a sound-driver in no more than a couple of days. I remember that day, & I'll equally remember this. When i could not judge the distance between my bike & the one next to me. Blocked side-views, severely reduced hearing ability, uncomfortable breathing, & the continuous realization of the presence of a big black box on top of my head.

This was the first day i devoted attention to anyone & everyone wearing a helmet (just to ascertain as to whether they are feeling the same anxiety as my poor soul). This was the first day i felt utterly cautious with my balance on wheels (cause i had no idea if I'd bang into a vehicle next to me sideways). This was the first day i had to ponder as to what could be more dangerous - wearing a helmet, or not wearing a helmet :)

Well, it's not only about the helmet is it ? We always witness our parents/elders citing known prevalence of dominance of experience over youthful spirits. We don't do necessary things just on the pretext of living life. But then, age brings in maturity & then you tend to take care of the outer covering of your bones (for example, i just bought a Himalaya Face wash :)). Maybe i ain't seasoned enough to pronounce suggestions on how one should live his life. All is know is that i gotta live longer, love longer.

I have roads to walk, walls to climb...
People to love, souls to bind...
Suddenly the notion of life seems found...
Dreams of glory in my skull helmet bound...

Swine waala flu...

Humanity is close to it's end guys. It's astounding how quickly Pune got it's grip. Half of the city is already sporting face masks. Differnet colors, shapes, textures.

Compelled by the scenario around, & forced by the love of their parents towards their only son, i finally bought a mask today. I was amazed to witness that every single person in that chemist's shop intended to buy a mask, if not already possessing one. All the attendants in the shop were themselves hiding their spout & nose with the green thingy. A man, next to me, asked for a free mask. Shopkeeper told him that free goodies could be avalied only from the Government hospitals. "yahan to paise deke hi milega". & the man walked off the door with a hankerchief covering his mouth. Guy at the counter enquired me as to whether i wanted a normal one. I wondered how many variaties did they have. He showed me a specialized N95 mask (i believe they just borrowed the name from the popular Nokia model). Sparkling white, made of plastic, with a beautiful looking net for breathing. Priced at just Rs. 200/-. I told him swiftly, "normal waala hi de de bhai". & so i bought a Rs. 10/- green coloured mask, made of some cheap cloth. A man standing next to me had a big smile on his face, & said to me, "10 din hi to pehenna hai". I nodded & paid the sum. "Oh wait", i said, keeping myself from handing him the money. "What's this ?" i asked, pointing my index finger to a small pink colored box. He handed it over to me. It was a pack of Wet-Tissues, for wiping off hands & face frequently. I bought that as well (wasn't costly either). We receive several mails from our employer daily suggesting frequent use of those tissues, a quick substitute for washing hands.

a little boy riding a huge camel just walked past my window. Even he was sporting the same green mask.
Most people use them, or the expensive kind, or they just tie a piece of cloth around their mouths. Everyone wants to live. More than that, they fear Death.

We went to a little shop today. I asked him as to why isn't he wearing a mask. He said that he has been warned by his wife to buy one today itself, less he won't be served meals. "Aaj to kharid hi lunga sir pakka". [ Smiles ]

As i crossed past the handicapped uncle in our society freely riding his 3-wheeler cycle, i asked him as to whether he isn't motivated to promote the widely used preventive against the killer flu. He waved his hand in reluctance & said, "come what may. if i'm to die like this, lets face it". A brave reply. (Seems rather foolish to me)

Whether you're brave enough to deny the persistence of the virus around you or not, whether you follow the masses just for the time being to buy a mask for yourself or not, the fact is that all the malls, usually busy streets, all tiny roads, are nearly deserved on this pleasant Sunday. 4 down by far. Some 700 suffering. Manmohan Singh sitting with a committe to analyse the situation. WHO issuing warnings persistently. People hoarding up to buy masks vigorously. News channels covering the sequence ferociously. Rumors of infected people in next office, next building, next apartment quite frequent. Parents advicing their children, living close to the prone cities, with whatsoever information they possess. People uncertain about the cure, if any, available. Pandemics brings humans to a real close. They tend to cuddle when struck by something really terrifying.

My poor worried mother asked me to take a leave immediately & come back home for as long as it lasts. All i could do is tell her that this is simply not possible.

We fear death. Let's face it !!

Some auspicious days

I can't recall since how many years have i been acquainted to the culture of Mother's Days, Father's days, Friendship's days & the likes. Can't be much for sure. But then, we always find hardliners even amongst us - ones who are ardent supporters to the cause of these occasions, & the other more substantial half - challenging the relevance of such auspicious days to our great fanatical Indian culture.

Now, to which genre i belong hardly matters. It's not about the "I" word.

This was one of the most celebrated Friendship's day of my life. Two friends from Mumbai came along just for the occasion (they were probably looking for just a well deserved break from their daily schedule).

A third friend (too zealous for all this stuff) brought along a splendid 1 pound of heavenly mouth-watering Black-Forest cake just for the moment when the clock strikes 12.

Some beer clashed (pretty much normal for a get together like these). When i woke up in the morning, i already had a bunch of unread msgs on ma cell phone wishing the same. I even went a step further by wishing Friendship's day to our newspaper delivery guy. Then we did hit streets for sure. Witnessed extraordinary crowd at every single place. Seems like people really crave for such days.

Makes little sense to me. But then, it's fine, isn't it ? People are happy. Have a reason to celebrate. A chance to call up friends, maybe wish them up on msgs/social communities. an excuse for outings. How could it be bad ? how can it degrade a culture however vivid/small it is ? Let people do whatever they want to. It's fine !!

He-Jeans/She-Jeans

Act I Scene I

[ At the apartment. Me lying still on the bean bag, sipping on my cup of tea ]
Enters a friend, frustrated.

Friend: yaar tujhse subah se keh raha hun kahin chal le. main ghar mein pada pada bore ho gaya hun
Me: ruk main tere liye bhi chai banata hun. tab tak tu TV dekh.
Friend: nahin yaar. mujhe chai nahin peeni.
Me: abe to coffee pi le. beer pi le. paani pi le. P**** mat pi.
Friend: mujhe bahar jaana hai. mast mausam bhi ho raha hai.
Me: koi kaam ho to chalenge. warna I'm OUT !!
Friend: mujhe jeans leni hai, khoob saari. ab to chal.
Me: chal bhai.

Act II Scene I

[ A big mall, at the men's casualwear section ]

Friend: yaar Levi's leni thi. kuch saala pasand hi nahin aa raha.
Me: to Pepe try kar le.
Friend: nahin yaar. i hate Pepe.
Me: Flying Machine ?
Friend: aur koi brand nahin hoti kya jeans ki ?
Me: How about Lee ?

Act II Scene II

[ surfing through the Lee stock ]

Friend: yaar yahan bhi kuch nahin hai. i'm irritated now.
Me (to Lee attendant): dost is bande ko khoob saari jeans leni hain. aur kuch pasand nahin aa raha. please ise kuch pasand karwa do yaar. bhagwaan aapka bhala karega.
[ Attendant throws out one after the another, all good ones. ]
Friend: i've picked these 3. trail karke aata hun.

Act II Scene III

[ at the billing counter ]

Friend: maal jeans mil gayin yaar.
Me: how much did they cost.
Friend: buy 2 get 1. 3800 ki 3 padin.
Me: wow !!
Friend: yaar pata hai 1 jeans to gajab fitting ki hai yaar. matlab itni low waist hai ki zip pe puri band nahin hoti.
Me (a little surprised): really ? anyways.

Act III Scene I

[ back to apartment after the shopping spree. Me busy with my lapop ]
[ Suddenly a cry, as in howling or something ]

Friend: yaar. gajab ho gaya yaar. gajab ho gaya.
Me: abe kya ho gaya b*****ke ?
Friend: yaar 1 jeans ladkiyon ki aa gayi.
Me: kaise pata ?
Friend: yaar bill mein likha hai dekh.
[ i verify - it was true ]
Friend: ruk main pehen ke dikhata hun. tu bata theek lag rahi hai na.
[ he wears, tugs up that tiny zip (then we realised the secret of small zip ]
Friend: kaisa lag raha hun yaar main ? (with a deep expectance on his face)
Me: abe mast lag raha hai. tension mat le.
Friend: abe tension kaise na lun. ladkiyon ki jeans hai.
Me: to kisi bandi ko gift karde.
Friend: abe 34 waist ki bandi kahan se dhoondh ke laun !!

Me (after a little inspection): by the way, 2 out of your 3 jeans are meant for gals :)
Friend: ye baat hum dono ke alawa kisi ko pata nahin chalni chahiye.
Me: oh be assured from my side !! i'm a true friend.



PS: & hence this blog !!

Kids no more...

This marks the end of an era. The long leisurely walk through the lush green pathway is suddenly, and gradually, over. Gradual, by biotic nature of life; Sudden, by human nature to deny any unfavorable change. But mystifying words with interpretations won't really help - it's gone. & most changes are irreversible.

I choose my words cautiously (though i ain't a politician), because it's a complex phenomenon. It's not something as glorified as puberty, or as fascinating as teenage - it's the death of something as simple as childhood - & I'm suddenly faced with the fact that I'm an Adult now. More importantly, I'm a kid no more.

I was crowned with Excellent performance award in a substantially sized flock at my place of work. Something to cheer about after a lull in college life. That was only yesterday, & unexpected for an eleven-month experienced employee, still yearning to learn, to excel. A heavy envelope with a good amount of monetary award along with a certificate brought smile, & an equal amount of fear - I'm a pro now.

I don't know how convincing that might sound. I'm not an escapist for sure. & I swear by God I'm not the most talented but one of the most hard working man - as certified by my bathroom mirror. But then I'm not sure if i wanted to handle so many responsibilities - so soon.

Lately, I've been filing tax for the last fiscal year, making plans for investment for the current fiscal year, planning on when to buy a laptop for myself, clearing off my credit card/cell phone bills, getting my bike registered with Maharashtra's number, visiting doctor quite frequently in recent to get rid of feverish feelings, planning to take some time out for gym out of my packed schedule, struggling with insomnia at times, & many more parallel thoughts. All this apart from the fact that I'm working roughly 12-13 hours a day, 5 days/week, often skipping lunch, & quite frequently spoiling weekends as well owing to on-call/weekend supports. I have no time to pick calls from even parents/girlfriend, forget friends. I have a PS2 at home but barely have time to touch it. That's just an outline.

It's fine though. Nothing's a problem. Sometimes you're heavily loaded, sometimes you're not. I feel proud to be efficient in work, & systematic in lifestyle. But then, suddenly this award came, & I'm confronted with a sullen reality.

I have none to take care of my tired soul. I have none to serve me tea/food. I have none to massage my head with oil or my back with moov as need be. No misgivings, no pampering, no more copying assignments, no more excuses of ignorance on mistakes at work, no, nothing. After 24 years of wandering in this wide world, i realize I'm more of an adult now - & certainly not a kid.

For the very first time in my life, i miss being a child.
For the first time in my life, i feel that I'm held responsible by the air i breathe.
I'm an adult now !!

Teachers back in school taught that it's good to end a piece of writing with a quote...
Damn i suddenly miss school now...

Mujhko yakeen hai, sach kehti theen, jo bhi ammi kehti theen...
Jab mere bachpan ke din the, chaand mein pariyan rehti theen...
Mujhko yakeen hai, sach kehti theen, jo bhi ammi kehti theen...

I Ain't a Male Chauvinist !!

Off late, i've been reminded at aplenty instances that i should logically be struggling for job switches, yearning for higher packages, splendid Pay-Commission tagged Govt. jobs, & even an MBA.

Reason - My gal just went to pursue her MBA. & 2 years later, when i'd be sailing with a reasonable package for an IT sectarian, she'd be out there stuffing her pockets with INR or American dollars, apparently twice as much as i would then - thanks to the prestigious IIM tag.

Just a few social Shakespeare's to quote:
Poor Me (over the phone): It'll be fine.
My mom (who is clearly aware of my marital choice) : life is not at pleasant as it seems. she'd be a postgraduate earning more than you. & you be just an engineer. Why don't you give MBA a thought ?

Poorer Me (a little drunk): It's fine with me.
College Senior (drunk 20 times over): No it's not fine. We men are all the same. It's love that blinds you now. When she has to pay for your cup of tea, it would be unbearable. So what's your plans ? If not MBA, try for some overseas opportunities to make up with her.

Frustrated Me (sipping on a cup of coffee): It's fine.
Colleague (smoking a cigarette from my pack): i know it's fine. & it should be fine if it's a love marriage. Now i'm clearly going for an arranged show, & i've directed my parently clearly that the gal should be atleast 2 years younger than me so that there always remains the desired disparity.


Wow !! i mean, wow !! i can't really believe it's the 21st century & stuff (i often get confused whether it's 20th or 21st). It's tough to believe most people couldn't still break off that sick shell of mentality that's eating away their genuineness. Anyways, i firmly believe that i'm not capable enough to change someone's mentality. Please be content with whatever your thought process is. & i'm sure i won't dwindle :)

I remember telling her once softly, "I'd still pay for all the things then, like i do today". & she replied with a sweet "Of Course". You may still call it chavinism. But that's how it goes, & i have no intentions to explain myself.

By the way, i'm multidimensional (an adjective bestowed upon me by my class teacher while speaking with my parents in a parents-teacher meeting)

1) I can cook well.
2) I can take care of kids.
3) I'll take care of groceries.
4) I will try to be home back on time & offer her a cup of tea when she's in (Managers tend to be very occupied).
5) not to mention, i'm the best tea maker in the world.



Peeping back in time, I assume i've played all shades decently enough (except the engineering part). I'm just gearing up for an another showmanship - a working housewife - or houseman - whatever !! :)

Language of love !!

We have weekly status meetings on friday here in office. I remember right before the first meeting i was attending, my manager, who happens to sit right behind me, uttered with a wicked smile on his face, "CHALO". I was heavily engrossed in work, but i was lured to turn back to him, because that hindi word came from an Israeli mouth, who knew precisely when to speak it.

Startled, i asked him, "what did you just say ?". With a big pride and smile on his face, he repeated "Chalo !!". & i've been hearing this word on almost all fridays since then. He had learnt one hindi word, by-heart, & he remembers exactly when to throw it. It brings smiles on all Indian faces around.

We are a bunch of Indians here, many Israelis, & a few local Finnish guys. So it's a mixed breeding of several cultures. & it's fun.

Yesterday, Daniel, another guy from an application team came up to discuss a few things with us. But we were all busy, & heavily loaded. So he went to another Indian guy, & asked him, "How do you say this in hindi - i'm very busy today". He got his answer, recited it a few times, memorized it within a minute, & then came back to us - "Aaj bohot kaam hai ?" & we all burst into laughters. He wasn't sure whether he was pronouncing it the proper way, but he knew we already understood. We told him, "Haan, aaj bohot kaam hai". All smiles !!

I myself tried a couple of words/phrases, but i can't hold it long enough. It goes off after a couple of times (Apart from the fact that i still remember the maddu work Entraa, & a few more). It's not about learning a new language, it's not about self-improvement. That's simply enjoying life. Trying to communite to others in their language. The universal language. The reason why i could bear Spanish songs without understanding them at all (I've actually started to enjoy Finnish rock songs as well). It's the language of love.

One fine day, my manager had a strong urge to learn counting in Hindi. So a friend of ours searched youtube for a song, & told him "This song will teach you counting till 13". & there it began. He asked, "who's she ?". We replied, she's the bollywood hearthrob Madhuri dixit, dancing on a hit number ek-do-teen. He said "Leave the counting. I'm liking the dance. We are all dirty men after all"

I'm happy i've such people around me. & it makes little sense to me why & how people go fighting over caste, creed, religion, nationality.

As Luc de Clapiers, marquis de Vauvenargues aptly said,
Great men, like nature, use simple language...

All people smile in the same language, isn't it !!

10 things to do before i die

I'm those kind of suckers who maintain a to-do list all the time - to-do in my pocket diary, to-do notes stuck on my office PC, even a to-do widget on my iGoogle page. Easy going guys would say that sucks, but that's how it is for me. Now dying is not a pleasant notion, but it's the truth of course. Gotta accomplish a few things while i'm still breathing.

I'm not the first intellectual to pen this down. Google throws some 30.5 billion search results on the aspect. Loads of blogs, BBC, even dedicated sites working on the same. You could see aspirations ranging from diving with dolphins, sharks to skydiving. Adventure, grandchildren, & loads of emotional/crazy things.

To list a few
100 things to do before you die
50 Things to Do Before You Die
10 Most Incredible Things to Do Before You Die
BBC TV's 50 Things To Do Before You Die
2dobeforeidie.org
squidoo.com

Now i ain't dying. I ain't a character from DasVidaniya either. I'll consume this planet's oxygen for another half a century, & will be 18 till i die !! But, you gotta do what you gotta do !!

To-Do before i die...

1) Be a good lead guitarist: Rhythm ain't enough. I promised someone to cover Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb for him someday.
2) Learn how to swim.
3) Work for a part of my professional career with Google.
4) Attend a big rock concert, spending a huge amount on the tickets.
5) Punch someone, right in the face: damn, I'm 24 & i haven't had a good one. i gotta do this. Gotta see how is it to have a fight.
6) Stage a band performance, at least once: Not just any band. I know Music isn't going to be our profession. I want my crew, the raw like a stone voice, that insane bassist, & the world's best Drummer. None else. & the first track's gonna be Say Anything. i won't lie, but I've had dreams on this one.
7) Pen a sound article in a leading newspaper.
8) See Angelina Jolie once, for real.
9) Write a fiction novel, on life, & it's glory.
10) Spend an year in my 50s farming on steps, spending every evening watching sunsets, & living in a sweet little cottage on countryside, with the love of my life (I'm glad even she likes the idea )


I'm sure it's gonna grow with time, like love.
But i hope i'd strike out a few soon !! Clocks ticking...

Recession : to me !!

Much have been said & written on recession. Seems to be the most talked-about subject the people of my age would have witnessed in their lifetimes. Now i always thought what recession implies on normal people - people like us, people like me. i mean as far as you are healthy enough on your professional front, you won't really feel the heat, obviously apart from the provocative thought process.

Now for me, & people like me, a few prevalent factors are

• * Job is fine & sound. Some effort to keep it that way, if not improve the bets.
• * Things are getting cheaper (adidas Ts literally cost just Rs. 400/- now). Go buy-buy.
• * Expect prices to fall for things you're planning to buy. Not a Problem. Pleasant wait, as they say.
• * Insecurity, due to copious news/rumors of layoffs in some part of the world or the other.
• * A feeling of not spending too much, in expectancy of something unfortunate that might happen.
• * Following RBI for it's moves (although we don't understand them in entirety).
• * Loads of stuff for discussion. Loads of Articles by economists to read. Loads of mail-chains & forwards spreading the news - of layoffs, of salary cuts, & so-on.

Other than that, it's just fine. We smoke, we drink, we party, we Rock !!
We Indians (to be specific), don't feel the heat until the brick falls right onto our heads !!

Now, i'm a man, sitting at home, on a specific Thursday, with no idea how to pass my time, just for the fact that i'm bound to take a certain number of leaves before March 31st (so are all my colleagues) so that my company can save some money on the rolls. (i don't complain though, it's a Spectacular cost-cutting measure, without a significant toll on Employees).
PS: i shouldn't be explaining any more of that, so as to abide by work ethos

Now, that's the first Direct impact of Recession i've felt in these bad times. & i can assure all of you, there'll be more to come . We are living in bad times. Frankly speaking, i'm still not effected by the collapsing market, apart from the fact that i'm now in a similar state of mind as him...



i'm BORED dude !!

First Drop In a New City !!

Ysterday !! it wasn't a downpour, a cloudburst. it didn't even crop up enough to form a sphere. it was just a glimmer, a shine, a sparkle. Out of grief or out of joy, m not very sure. But yes, it brought anxiety, a tremor, n a hel lot of thought provocation.


First job, a new city, stil a month for the first salary to b credited, n i, short on cash, with d skysoarin rent and brokerage for the flat we chose, went on to withdraw 700 bucks frm the SBI ATM, d last of what i had. As i was carefully plannin ma xpenses til money comes in, the guard posted on the ATM reached out ma hand. I didn't feel him hot then though.

[Backdrop : I first met the guard a cupl of days ago, n v conversed, later realisin that he was from a place close to ma hometown. 2000kms away frm home, n a person close frm ur place feels really like a close relative. ]

On the eventful day, he askd me for money, some of it. n i was taken back, reasonably enuf. i mean, no mattr what d amount was. u meetin a person for jst d 2nd tym in ur lyf, n he asks u for a favour, dat too a monetory one. Past swept across ma face, whence, 5 yrs back, i gav money to a person who claimed to live in a remote place nearby, as his bike was out of oil. 100 bucks, which obviously, neva came bck. So, retrospectively, i claimed petty xcuses, jstifyin sumhw,

"Sir, i can't do that"

He was stil adament, i turned furious. But when he said that he had high fever, n dat he was wearin a sweater within, in strong daylight (n he really showed it to me), i was remorseful, n realised how impolite i've become.

[Development of Thoughts: Me, or the entire society ?? Who's to blame ? Me, why ? i went thru a bad xperience once, n dat reflected in ma reaction to the 60+ man. was it my fault ? yes, it was, without d slightest tinge of doubt. but the partner-in-crime, or rather the one completely responsibl, was d man who neva gav me back those 100 bucks. was it my fault at al ??]

I askd him how much he wanted. he said "20-30 rupaye beta, bas. main kal lauta dunga aapko". my wallet had d least denomination of 100, which i offered to him, without a second thought. He was confused (i really dunno why). n he said he dusn't want dat much, instead he requestd me 2 buy him d medicine frm d nearby medical store. i did d same. n al it took was 5 minutes, and 4 rupees.

Parting ways, i laid ma hand over his shoulder, askin him to tak care, n hav d medicine on time. He gav me a smile, n i jst couldn't bear it. As i turned ma back n walked ma way towards ma flat, sumthin flickered in ma resentful eyes. I didn't let it flow, it tried to thou, but i didn't let it (they say, men don't cry).

The Matter Of Death !!

No, it's not A Matter Of Life & Death, it neva was...
it's jst The Matter Of Death, as simpl as it is !!

u may b d strongest man on earth, or u may b d happiest, or u may hv been bestowed wid evrythin u hd evr wished 4, u myt b even God, bt no, don't turn ur face on sumthin as simple as the truth...
You Fear Death, n i can bet on dat !!

it's nt ur fault i ges, it's human by nature, or rathr a law of nature which none dared 2 talk 'bout...

u myt hv not witnessed ur Gods fightin 4 long lives, bt u mst hv heard of it 4 sure...
remember d Samudra Manthan scheme of things, n al, so called Gods, fightin der guts out 2 get dat bloody pot of longetivity out of d ocean jst 4 der sake...
dats jst bout hinduism, 'coz i hv no detailed idea of othr religions, bt i ges, u cn ask ur favors each 2 tel ya if dey had dun d same stupidity !!
(i do not intend 2 hurt ne religious sentiments, in case i jst did, my heartfelt apologies)

a few days bck, i questiond a frnd of myn,

"whts ur biggest wish ??
sumthin u think is tuf 2 get, or evn impossibl, but u stil want it...
whts dat ??"

2 ma query, wht she had 2 say is dis,

"i might sound selfish, bt...
LONG HEALTHY LIFE, hapiness n peace, whichever way by money or nythg fr my parents !!!
just a thot of nt havin parents arnd smtym in future leaves me shattered...
i dream of ma dad quite often, and smtyms i find myself in tears after i wake up missin my dad..."

n i ws so srry 4 askin her out, coz mayb i brought sum not-so-merry feelings on d surface.
bt dat reply of her's made me ponder a lot, dat probably, each n evry 1 of us fears death, d axe dat's bound 2 strike on one's own self, n on his beloveds...
al v cud do is mourn ovr whts left 2 cum, or face d heat, wid al d myt n joy our heart subsumes...
(uff, dat was too bookish, damn !!)

d other day, i was listenin 2 a speech by
Steve Jobs, CEO, Apple & Pixar Animation.
therein he mentioned sum beautiful wrds, thou i've alwaz been a bit leery of such auspiciouly idealistic stuff...

"If you live each day, as if it were your last, someday, you'll most certainly be right.
No one wants to die. Even people who wanna go to heaven don't wanna die to get there.
& yet, death is the destination we all share, no one has ever escaped it. & that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of life."

i ges it's ur tym 2 ponder ovr...
i'l leave u wid a quote...

Tomorrow we shall meet,
Death and I.
And he shall thrust his sword,
Into one who is wide awake.
-Dag Hammarskjold, Markings, p. 31

Train Saga !!!

ever travelled some thousand kilometers by train, with a WL marked on your travelling ticket ??

if you haven't had the luxury, kindly do not even dream of it.
well, i've been accustomed to it, since a couple of mishaps. what better can one expect when he opts out for the eleventh hour plans for a 22 hour journey !!

ever been on a reservation counter at blood thirsty summer noons ?? the queue seems to be waiting for a few drops of heavenly water. and mind you, there have been times when i joined the line at noon, fighting through the staff's lunch breaks & frequent chat sessions, to witness the ticket window shutter being slammed on my face at 8 P.M., when i was standing right in front of it, sweat & frustration dripping from each & every part of my body.

well, rules are rules, but man is what they are born for after all. since then, i've preferred am AGENT (an unofficial copy of an official post, have a look for yourself). His work doesn't fall into James Bond categorization, but his attitude is pretty synonymous. he gets the ticket done for you, for any train, at any time, for any destination station, even at the eleventh hour, by means that are termed as trade secrets of his, jst for a bargain of a gandhian note, with a figure 100 embarked on it. you call him a crook, may God's grace be with you, b'cause then your God is the one who's gonna get u a birth (needless to say, on a train). i prefer calling him an angel, b'cause he helps those in need & takes away none from anyone deserving.

neways, in a 2 year long money-service relationship, my angel for the first time failed to deliver his words & left me up with a waiting list 3. onboard a 20 hour bound train for my destination, i enquired a TTE whether by any chance, my ticket has been confirmed. & the answer was a no, even before i could complete my begging question. he turned his back on me & kept drifting. a couple of minutes passed, & the man returned & made his eyes move so artistically indicating me to follow him, which i did, with no understanding of the circumstances

we stopped, before an empty birth & he whispered "kharcha paani".
perplexed amidst the thankfulness & frustration, i queried, a bit hesitantly "how much, sir ??" (i'd prefer replacing the title i bestowed upon him with a four letter beautiful word, after all, India is just second to frenchmen in this field). i handed him his demand of Rs.150, without bargaining, but yes, with anger. probably realising, he uttered, "i haven't asked you much", & i surrendered with a pathetic smile.

while he was making some scribblings on the reservation chart, i tried to fetch his name plate, but found it missing. what again do you call him, a crook ??? i don't give a damn & i'd prefer calling him a saviour. he took nothing from a deserving, & helped a soul in need.

do you consider me selfish & self-centred, a part of the corrupt system. oh yes i'm, & if you claim you are not, probably you don't use Saint-Gobain mirrors to reflect your soul. i love my country as much as anyone else can. i could have slept on the train floor, making the TTE beg me not to complain for his demand. what would my country have gained then !! one corrupt man eradicated, probably temporarily from the system of endless loopholes., thats it !! by giving him the money, nation still gains nothing more, but 2 of it's citizens are content, for the time-being, and that is sufficient for a mother i guess !!!

i'm corrupt, if you may say so, i'm selfish, if you may say so, but you are no different, & i can bet on that. this is what makes corruption an exponentially aggravating disease, leaving behing no possible hopes of recovery. if you claim to remove corruption from the entire system, you are probably dreaming of a wonderland, or you are likely to be insane, 'cause it would take the effort of wiping out the entire rotten crop & growing up a fresh one, requiring a few centuries or milleniums i believe.

what i suggest is the incorporation of a few unavoidable & exemplary connotations, as a part of A VIABLE SYSTEM, not corruption-free, but corruption-sustainable.

but just when i pen down these words, some voice from heaven up above yells at me, telling me repeatedly that i have not the slightest idea of what maturity & intelligibility it takes to run a nation that was once called THE GOLDEN BIRD.

hello think tanks, though unworthy, do i succeed in ringing some bells out there in your kindergardens !!!