May 1, 2011

As i lay in an MRI machine

'Wrap all your belongings, all of them, in a handkerchief, which you can surrender here at the desk. & you'll have to change your clothes'

Wallet from right back pocket, i-card from left back pocket, cellphone from left front, watch from left wrist, gold chain (the only piece of jewellery I've ever had) from neck (which i managed to break while untying) rolled into a handkerchief from right front pocket (i skipped mentioning 2 items here intentionally). I was composed, knotted the package carefully. Handed the prescription to the guy, & he pointed the way to the changing room, after handing over a set of blue clothes. A ward boy accompanied me to the room, & instructed me something. I told him i don't know Marathi & he smirked. In Hindi then, he asked me to undo all my clothes, even the chaddi, & change into the blue 'sick' color code. I preferred to keep my chaddi on & he didn't insist either. He assured me my clothes will be fine & showed me the drawer where i can find them later.

The baggy 'nada' trousers & typical hospital kurta with 2 buttons. The first thing i see stepping out of the changing room in the new attire was a beautiful girl & i could sense she pitied me for my 'supposed' miserable condition, & i pitied myself for the air around me. So i waited; & waited; & waited; until guided to the room where the thing had to be done.
Impression#1: Cold
Impression#2: Shit
Impression#3: I wish i had brought a friend along
Brief crisp instructions before i was let in
Instruction#1: There'd be noises when it starts. & just noises.
Instruction#2: I'll be given a small item which i can press if i have any trouble. I should lie down very still otherwise. DO NOT move.
Instruction#3: It will last 30 minutes.
I had questions, many of them, & i was having second thoughts about going in there. Also, the doc was a boring guy, a sweet/hot lady/girl would have eased things i guess. A sword-fight type helmet was fixed on my head & stuffings done around my neck so it doesn't move, & i was moved in. The total time elapsed between entering the room & entering the machine was around 2 minutes, & it was hard to digest the circumstances, specially when you have a feeling that you are about to be f*cked. A blood-pressure instrument pump was forced into my left palm, & i was really hoping it works if & when i need to get the bloody out of here.

Sounds, weird sounds, very weird sounds: quick beeps, buzzers, long screaming ones, varying frequencies & speeds, sudden silences, then sudden starts. & how i felt !
Feeling#1: Would the reading get disturbed (or the test get screwed) if i itch my left leg ? Let's resist. I can do it.
Feeling#2: Half an hour is so f*cking long man. Without coffee, or anything ! Lord.
Feeling#3: Should i try pressing this e-vac pump, to ensure it works ?
Feeling#4: What would these weird sounds track ? how is my brain responding to this sh*t ?
Feeling#5: While I'm thinking of all these things, would it not freak out this machine, which would it turn freak out my result ?
Feeling#6: I need to itch, or bloody ask someone to itch it for me. I can press that pump & ask them to itch me.
Feeling#7: Why is this bed shaking sometimes in coordination with the sound ? How would it help apart from terrifying the patient ?
Feeling#8: They should have atleast put a watch in front of the fixed face. Or a nice painting maybe, which a person can pass time with.
Feeling#9: Dude i think just 5 minutes passed by now, i can never make it to 30. I WILL have to use the e-vac pump.
Feeling#10: Itch on forehead.
Feeling#11: Let me try humming a song in mind (Didn't work). They say music is in the air, let me frame a song or some sensible music out of these crazy sounds (Didn't work either)
Feeling#12: 10 minutes, maybe ?
Feeling#13: How do kids bear this thing man ? They'd have to be drugged, but then, wouldn't the brain's responsiveness to these sounds be effected ?
Feeling#14: If i fell asleep accidentally, would the tests get effected ? I should have asked the doc.
Feeling#15: I'm in a f*cking limbo. I think I've made 12 minutes.
Feeling#16: I'm enjoying my life actually. These crazy sounds would end sometime & I'd be back at work. I hope Naresh (my colleague) isn't in too much trouble owing to my absence.
Feeling#17: As soon as i bloody get out of here, I'm going to *****.
Feeling#18: (I Slept)
Feeling#19: (I'm taken out of the machine. I ask, 'Did i really spend 30 minutes in there ?' & the smile answered in a nod) Nice ! Should i press the e-vac pump now to make sure it would have worked ? (I didn't)
Feeling#20: I hope none of the people i love have to face this pathetic traumatic machine ever
When i stepped out, changed to my actual clothing, the beautiful girl, sadly, was gone. So i had nothing left to do but the payment, place back all my collectibles in their right places & flee to a normal routine.

PS: Results were normal.


pJ said...

Why did you have to get an MRI done? Any phoren travel related formality? Well your write up does put to rest a lot of questions I used to have about the experience inside that scary thing around your head. I think I would die of the fear of suffocation more than anything else!

Vikas Chandra said...


sahi hai..very intricate details which makes it an interesting and a comic read!

nP said...

@Preet - i like the word 'phoren' :) it wasn't anything serious, but a titillating experience nevertheless.

@vC - seekh raha hun bhaiya aapse thoda thoda.